** The next installment of my World Race blogs. This one from 10/31/2014 going into Peru. **
Well considering we had 30+ hour bus ride from La Paz, Bolivia to Lima, Peru, I had plenty of time to update y’all on the conclusion of our time in Bolivia, the beginning of Peru as well as and more importantly, on the work the Lord is doing in my life. It may be far too long, but among all the cool stuff going on, I was too apathetic to put in the work to split it up after the thoughts were already written down.
My Spanish did not improve much, at all, and considering that it was nearly non-existent prior to this trip, using the word “improve” is probably not merited. I definitely did not show the effort and dedication to learning that language like what I did in Haiti. Oh, but I have excuses. As our ministry for the month was only working on the landscape of the camp, we did not have much opportunity to speak Spanish beyond the little bits with Brother Lucho and his sidekick Tao (who barely spoke beyond a whisper anyway.) Something about not having relationships demolished my motivation to put in the necessary time. We were able to bring all the necessary rocks for all the paths that will be eventually cobbled, which was probably the biggest blessing to Brother Lucho as well as we completed 1 long pathway that intersected the central circle that we hand-mixed concrete for. We also cleared out huge portions of jungle and brush inside the perimeter of the camp with machetes, a weed-whip and lawn mowers that we were able to fix up and get working. Because campers were coming through just about every week and weekend, all the dormitories, bathrooms, showers, and pool were cleaned after each group left.
Our large group allowed us to get work done that Brother Lucho does not have the time or manpower to be able to do. He was so incredibly thankful for us coming to help, which he showed through his countless times enthusiastically and emotionally thanking us as well as the 2 delicious meals of bbq his family cooked for us at the end of the month. Meat was a rare commodity so you can imagine our excitement over it. Seeing his heart, so full of compassion and kindness was an immense blessing to us. His camp bringing us together as an entire squad was a blessing in itself.
The men of J Squad had some serious breakthroughs in our bonds as brothers in Christ. We spent good amounts of time together as just guys, doing adrenaline pumping, guy things. Sometimes this produced injuries for ourselves or emotional anguish to the rest of our squad through fear for our lives, but through these things, we created a true brotherhood. A brotherhood that looks out for each other as well as holding each other accountable in the ways that only men can, while at the same time pushing each other towards the radical life in Christ that we all so desire. One night, in particular, we went out to the closest town, which is a 45-minute walk or so and we sat down to talk and have dinner. It was one of the most powerful nights I have had on the race. We had an amazing night of honest discussion coupled with prayer that was incredible. What happened wasn’t anything miraculous but rather what resulted was the effects of bold prayer in the name of Jesus Christ. When men speak out with confidence and love in the name of Jesus Christ for their brothers in Christ, something special happens. While prayer was what was being done, worship was what was happening. It was a time of worship like I have not experienced before, at least in such magnitude. I will talk a bit more about this experience later.
But if I had to summarize my personal journey of growth and change thus far in the trip, it would be a pursuit of heart knowledge opposed to head knowledge concerning my relationship with Christ. Many of the people on this trip with me have gone through some very tough times in their lives which has broken them and brought them to Christ at a point of utter desperation. For them, Christ saved them not only from the overarching burden of sin but actually rescued them, in one way or another when they were at the end of their rope. Being rescued makes his love and grace very personal and tangible. Which is distinctly where we differ. My faith, while very strong and firmly rooted in the Word of God, is not based on a point of desperation because of tragedy but rather a desperation because of the recognition of sin and the separation from God that it creates. I have had a very blessed life and I am so extremely grateful to both God and my amazing parents for it, but this blessing has hindered my reliance upon Christ. I recognize that I need Christ and that it is He that gives me every breath, but I honestly believe it is something I know in my head and yet not so much in my heart. I will try to elaborate a bit. My view of God is that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty, all-loving, all-merciful, perfect and all of those attributes that make God, God. He has to be all of those things, otherwise, He could not be God. Therefore, if I believe those things about him, I also must believe EVERYTHING in his word, otherwise, He loses credibility and that would make Him not perfect and therefore not God. (There is more to my faith than simply a philosophical argument, but this is how my mind works and it also allows for me to write clearly) So things in the Bible have never really been a question of whether or not to believe them and so follow them. I did believe and obey because I wanted to. Because my faith motivated me to do what my Father in heaven told me would teach me more about Him, bring me closer to Him, and ultimately bring Him glory. I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit on many things if I was not walking in the Lord, but I never really felt emotional or moved by my faith. The idea of faith is to believe without experiencing, and I stuck by that and truly do believe the Bible, despite the lack of emotional drive. I do not necessarily see emotion, or what I am calling heart knowledge as a necessity of faith, for in his Word God blesses those who can believe without seeing. But as humans, I believe we are emotional beings more so than we are intellectual beings and so I see emotions as very powerful alongside knowledge. There will always be more knowledge that I will want to acquire and more about God that I want to learn but something about head knowledge does not feel as personal and moving in my soul as does to know something and feel it in your heart.
That night when all the men went out together, I felt the Spirit move. I felt an excitement and yet contentment in Christ that moved my soul like I have not felt in a long time. Not just knowing that God loves me and knowing that he is all-powerful and good, but to be surrendering to those truths in my head through my actions and to feel contentment in my soul through my emotions that Christ is enough. I think that as I pursue more of a relationship with Christ through prayer, worship, and fellowship as well as more truth in his word, he will reveal his love and power to me in ways that will further move me beyond the knowledge in my head to my knowing and feeling it in my heart. It will be a lifelong journey for sure but in the varying ways that emotion was shown in the Bible, to dance and sing in worship to the Lord like David, to rejoice and give thanks in the Lord regardless of the circumstances like Paul, to cry and weep to the point of exhaustion because of a loss of everything and yet to continue to worship the Lord like Job, I so desire that intimate, emotional relationship alongside of the intellectual truths of God and his love.
P.S. Concerning my pride issue, I was initially under the impression of restricting certain things in order to restrain my pride. Through the console of my peers, specifically my teammate and sister in Christ, Mary, I have revised my outlook on dealing with my pride. My pride can be looked at as confidence in certain respects and to overcome it is not to necessarily take things away from myself in order to bring myself lower but rather to raise Christ up so much higher that it pushes me lower. A humility I can achieve by changing myself is not the same humility that Christ so desires us to have in Him. Raising Christ higher and higher in my life will inevitably be humbling because everything I will be doing will be for him and not for myself. I am still desiring to be further broken by Go. What that looks like, I do not exactly know, but I feel I have moved closer to the humility that will usher in that brokenness.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and please continue to pray! More to come when I find out more about Team Free To Be’s ministry in Peru!
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The Pickett Fence