Life until this point in time has not been hard, it has been exhilarating; so full of change, risk, excitement, and joy. Whether experiencing a great sense of independence through lack of being tied down to jobs or places, going to college and being shaped as a person both intellectually and personally, dropping ship at the flip of a hat to try something new or different, spending 11 months traveling around the world and learning to live with people so different than myself, or even getting married, life has continued to keep me guessing and excited.
Something that was talked about a considerable amount during my World Race trip in 2014-2015, was the return to life back home and how difficult it would be for some. We all had a sense of what that might be like for us and whether we would be ready but none of us could really be prepared for it. Coupling the excitement of coming back to my then, girlfriend, Steph and knowing our intentions to get married, with my freshly stoked passion to make a difference in the world after having seen so much of it, I was very confident that this resettling into normal life wouldn’t be too difficult. And honestly, for the first 11 months back in the States, I was correct. It truly wasn’t difficult. I was moving away from home to Indiana and getting married. Who could ask for a better return to ‘normal’ life?’ Whatever normal means.
These months after just getting married should be the happiest of my entire life right? That is what makes it so hard to admit, now that things have settled down, that the meteor has hit and it has hit me hard. The realizations that nothing ‘new,’ in the flashy and explicitly exciting fashion, lay out in front of me. That life could tentatively progress at a slow and repetitive pace slaps me in the face at every moment of monotony.
It’s a funny feeling, in the most depressing sense of the word ‘funny.’ When you have burning passion to make a difference in the world, and confidence in your capability to do as such, and yet that passion and confidence somehow turns into fear that seems to bind you. Fearing failure; failure by making the wrong decision concerning a job or career, of not meeting the standards or goals you have set, of not being the husband you believe you should be, and of appearing weak and uncertain instead of strong and confident. The pride of life, the pride of a man, is strong. Strong enough to drive a man to give all he has in pursuit of it, as well as cripple a man under its weight.
We all know the answer. We know these things should not define us, only our Lord or Savior, Jesus Christ and our relationship to Him should define us. Homeless, widowed, childless, and completely broken, and Christ is still enough. Yet the struggle is no less real. Actually, it’s more real. There is real battle going on for much more than happiness, it is one for our souls. While already won, the battle rages on and wreaks havoc to any and everything.
Yet, the realization of weakness, pride, brokenness, desire, passion, and incompetence has created fear that is crippling me. Returning to a more ‘normal’ life has proven far more difficult than I expected. It took 11 months but the meteor has struck.