Of the multitude of things I find myself bringing to God in prayer, I think the thing i ask most of is a request for Wisdom.
Wisdom, a thing more valuable than gold or silver. Something that you cannot feel or touch. Yet, something that I feel lacking of and utterly desperate for day in and day out. Now more than ever do I feel there is so much I don’t know. There is so much I don’t understand.
From trying to understand teammates and their feelings/emotions to trying to learn to worship and interact in a culture of which I cannot adequately communicate. Living in community has made the phrase, “The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know” so much more real. I try to learn more about people, mindsets, issues, hurts, wounds, relationship, God, love, humility, pride, authority, and the list could continue on forever, and yet the more I understand, or think I understand, the more I realize I need help to understand. Not help from another person. But help from God. Wisdom from God to help me learn to love people in the way that will encourage them the most. Which is where the disconnect comes in.
I can understand someone’s perspective very well, learning to see something the way they see it. Being aware of the pain a word might bring or the anger that a certain action might arouse. But I do not think this understanding helps me to know how I should act. I see it as a second realm of understanding that is based off of the first realm, and yet completely separate. I’m not exactly sure how to express this, and through it I am yet further in need of more wisdom. More knowledge, understanding, and perspective. More truth among so much confusion and muck that sin fills our heads with.
Sometimes though, a nice steak dinner with a glass of wine and all the fixings sounds so appealing. Sometimes I just want to be back home in my own world, without having to deal with all of these emotions and relationships. Sometimes the pursuit of a career and money, along with a family and nice house on a ranch is so persuasive.
Wisdom in those situations takes a back seat. So my struggle is constantly to stay focused, through the thick and thin on not myself, but instead on Christ. To keep my eyes on God and his Glory. To stay focused on those around me and their feelings. To put more emphasis on spreading the life changing love of Christ instead of making much of myself.
Wisdom. Wisdom that gives me true desire, true understanding, complete focus, and the capability to truly love others selflessly.
But in my requests for wisdom, above all I must wait on God. I must depend completely on God and have confidence that He will provide. In his time. For not my will, Lord, but yours be done.
“God, give me wisdom. You can keep the riches of the world. Just give me the wisdom I desire to understand both the people and feelings around me as well as to understand you better. To feel your love so much more deeply than in my head. Lord, please give me wisdom.”